My Little Stoner
by Quintillus54
Summary: Victor decided to take a walk through the forest one day. This peaceful walk was interrupted by the local SWAT team and Victor was sent to Equestria. Let's see how he handles this! M for intense gore and language. Possible clop later. Much later.
1. Chapter 1

I finally started the My Little Pony fic I said I'd do forever ago! Let's see where I go with this.

My Little Stoner

Chapter 1: Veni

Victor was taking a peaceful walk through the forest, basking in the peace and solitude. He loved it out here; the trees were tall with thick canopies of leaves, perfect for hiding his "garden", the plants were large and lush, also perfect for hiding his "garden", and the animals were dangerous and feral, perfect for keeping people away from his "garden". In case you couldn't figure it out, he loved his "garden". Also, in case you missed the apostrophes, it wasn't a normal garden. No, it was a special garden. Full of weed. Each plant was spaced somewhat widely apart to allow the leaves to grow lusher while keeping the plant's height relatively short. The path from his house just outside the forest to his garden was pretty damned long and kind of dangerous. First, he had to get through an extremely thick area of forest (no big deal, right?), and then go over an unstable rope bridge roughly swayed above a very high canyon sort of thingy. Yes, thingy. There was a river at the bottom, but he doubted that would break his fall. If he lost his balance, he would die. Simple as that. But he always made it across to the part of the forest thick with predators. Most of them learned not to mess with him after he killed 13 or so wolves and a few bobcats. However, there was the occasional starving animal desperate enough to try. He almost felt bad for them, you know? But then he slit their throats and forgot about it. Finally, after a good hour and a half of walking, he would come to his garden, which was his current destination. As he moved the last few leaves aside, he saw something he had always hoped he would never in his life have to see.

"Fuck me," he said to himself as he watched his plants get ripped from the ground and thrown onto a pile to be burned. Apparently, the local police force had managed to find his garden. There were about 17 of them, 10 tearing his long hours of work from the ground, and 7 watching for the owner to come by. Luckily, he hadn't been spotted yet. "What the fuck, man?" he whispered quietly. "What is their problem with weed? If they'd fucking try it I bet they wouldn't be doing this..." he wanted to salvage at least some of his work, so he looked around for something that might help him. He saw a rock that was almost the size of a tennis ball and picked it up. "I guess mom was wrong about Far Cry 3 and all of my other games being 'useless for you later in life.' I wonder what she would say now!" he whispered loudly.

…

…

…

"Probably 'why the hell are you growing weed' or 'get a real job'…" he rolled his eyes as he threw the rock as hard as he could across the small field. It landed not too far from an officer that was keeping watch. He yelled for them all to come over there. Every fucking one of them ran over there like Megatron was about to jump out of the bushes and esplode them (that isn't a typo). They quickly pointed their guns at every bush and tree in that general vicinity, giving him the chance to dart in and grab some of his weed.

Just as he was dashing silently back to the trees, an officer turned around very inconveniently and spotted him. "THERE HE IS! SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM!"

"SERIOUSLY?!" Victor yelled back as he dashed into the trees, barely managing to keep from having his brains splattered on one of the nearby trees. As he ran, he noticed something. A smell… and smoke… fuck… "They're burning my weed. That's not cool, man," he said as if he wasn't running for his life. While running, he made a decision. _If I'm going to get caught, I might as well be high…_

So he stopped running, tossed the weed on the ground, lit a match, and burned it, breathing it in. If this was his last time with this fucking ambrosia, he was going to enjoy it and get as much as he could. He breathed in the smoke from the burning plants, relishing in the smell, the feeling, the hallucinations, and everything else it had to offer. After a few minutes, he heard the cops catching up to him. Apparently, they had seen the smoke. He breathed deeply one last time before slowly walking away.

He came to the rope bridge, still swaying as harshly as ever, and began to walk calmly across. The cops came out of the forest and began shooting at him. He didn't care though. For several reasons. The first was that he had accepted his fate. The second was that he was high as all fuck. And the last? Well, these guys were horrible shots. But they did manage to accidentally shoot the ropes holding the bridge up. Victor felt his stomach lurch into his mouth as he fell. He laughed. He couldn't help it. The feeling kind of tickled. So, as he fell to his death, he laughed, because he honestly couldn't care less about anything else.

He felt himself plunge into the icy water.

But something was off…

What was it?

He could feel something wrong with all of this…..

OH! He was alive! And still falling? Falling fast, too. And there wasn't any water there anymore. Or much of anything, for that matter. Other than random blurs. He assumed the weed had decided to give him one last chance to feel its sweetness before he died. He looked down to see a lot of colors. Like, more colors than he was pretty sure existed. _What? All colors exist! Hehehe… Silly brain…_

"Weeeeeeeee!" he cried as he fell further and further. Then he stopped. "Awwwww." He was in a forest. And it was very familiar… "Hey, there's the rope bridge… but it's okay…" Sure enough, right there in front of him was the rope bridge from his home. But something was off… It was way too foggy here… His bridge never got foggy… He decided it wouldn't be a good idea to cross and just turned the other way, walking to what he hoped wouldn't be more cops. But then he realised something. He was waling on all fours. And he didn't have hands. Or feet. But he did have hooves. "Duuuude. I am so fucking high!" he exclaimed as he quickly figured out how to walk properly in his new body. He didn't care to figure much else out. He was high. Nothing much mattered.

As he walked, he saw a lot of things that looked very different, yet also strangely similar. Like all the trees. They had mean faces on them, but the path looked the same. He wondered what predators he'd see this time. There was usually at least one wolf that stared at him through the bushes.

He came to a river with a sea serpent in it. Strange thing is, this thing had a moustache. It looked at him and said "Oh, hello there! Would you like to cross? I can help, if you want!"

Polite fucking sea-serpent. Being high is awesome. "Yeah man, thanks," he told the aquatic monster as it picked him up and put him on the other side. "By the way, that's an awesome moustache."

"Oh, you are very welcome, and thank you s~o much for the compliment! I love my moustache," The serpent told him. Victor wanted to extricate himself from this conversation before he was forced to stand here for an hour talking about some moustache, so he just said goodbye and left.

Suddenly, he heard a scream. "A MANTICORE!" It sounded like a girl or something like that. Then there was a loud roar. He began running to the source of the noise. A girl's scream and then a loud roar are never good, and it didn't matter how high he was, he had to help people. Yeah, he was weird like that. He got some form of satisfaction with himself for helping people out. Call him a pussy if you like. A lot of people did.

As he approached the source of the noise, he saw some fucked up lion/scorpion/other-shit/demon thing with wings attempting to kill a pegasus, two unicorns, and regular ponies. Another pegasus was standing out of the way trying to tell everyone to wait, to no avail. They were too intent on beating the shit out of this thing. He ran in, but before he made it very far, the yellow pegasus with the pink mane finally yelled out "WAIT!" He stopped in his tracks, as did the rest of them. She walked up to the beast and, after some dialogue he couldn't quite hear, pulled a massive thorn out of his foot.

"Shit, if I had a thorn that big in my foot, I'd be pissed off too," he mumbled to himself. The strange demon-spawn licked the adorable pegasus before walking off. He approached the group of ponies, not at all surprised. Marijuana will do this sort of thing to you. There were 6 in total, 2 pegasi, 2 unicorns, and 2 regular ponies. The pegasus that hadn't just saved all of their lives was cyan with a rainbow mane and tale. _Nice! My favorite color is rainbow!_ One unicorn was lavender with a purple mane and tale, which each had a pink stripe running through them. The other was white with a styled mane and tale, both purple. As for the normal ponies, one was pink. Just pink. Her coat was a lighter shade than her mane. But it was quite a bit of pink. The other was sort of an orange color with a yellow mane and tale and… _OH MY GOD A COWBOY HAT. I WANT ONE SO BAD RIGHT NOW. I'M A FUCKING COWBOY BITCHES!_ "Hey, what's up?" he asked them.

"What's up? Do you know where we are?" the lavender one asked him.

"Uh, no, no I don't believe I do, no. Could you tell me?"

"YOU'RE IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!" the pink one yelled enthusiastically, appearing above his head. Fuck yeah, weed. "IT'S FULL OF BIG BAD MONSTERS THAT WANT TO EAT YOU! Hahahahaha!"

"Really? Awesome! I love monsters!" Victor yelled almost as enthusiastically, jumping into the air… and staying there. "Wha? Oh, hey, look at that! I can fly!" He looked back and saw his wings that he didn't know he had flapping. He looked at himself then. His coat was dark grey and his mane was midnight blue. He also had Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon logo on his ass-flank-thing. It was very fitting, seeing how he listened to Pink Floyd every time he got high. Because Pink Floyd is awesome. "Pink Floyd… Comfortably Numb… hell yeah…"

"Um, sir? You should probably leave before you get yourself hurt in here," the lavender unicorn said to him.

"Leave? Pft, nah. I'll just come with you guys. You didn't seem to be handling that spitfuck-demon-thing very well until she stepped in-" he pointed to the adorable yellow pegasus,"-so… yeah. And I have nothing better to do."

"Well, this is actually kind of a private matter that has to do with saving the world from eternal night," she told him.

"Okay, I already said I wanted to come, you don't have to convince me," he told her, giving a goofy smile. "By the way, I'm Victor. Who are you all?"

"I am Twilight Sparkle."

"Ahm Applejack."

"The name's Rainbow Dash!"

"My name is Rarity."

"I'm Pinkie Pie!"

"Flu…" the adorable pony trailed off before she finished her name. She was insanely shy. It was FUCKING ADORABLE.

"What was that, miss?" he asked her in a very kind, quiet voice.

"Um… m-my name is Fluttershy…"

_Makes sense, I suppose. It's a cool name though, _he thought. "I like that name," he told her, making her blush. "So, where are we supposed to go to save the world?"

"Well, you should go back to town, but we have to go deeper into the forest," Twilight Sparkle told him.

"Twilight Sparkle, I don't think you know who you're talking to. I am fucking Jesus incarnate! I have saved the world hundreds of times from thousands of disasters! Many call me a Messiah, others a Champion! Some call me a Warrior, and some, a Hero! I saved the Wastes from the horrors of the Enclave and the Legion! I saved Skyrim from the return of Alduin, the evil dragon, devourer of worlds, and Cyrodiil from Mehrunes Dagon, the Daedric Prince of Destruction! I saved RookIsland from evil pirates and became a true Warrior! I defended Ferelden from the Darkspawn scourge! I became King of Albion and saved it from the Darkness that wished to destroy the land! I protected the world from the Templars who wished to destroy it! I assassinated the Lord Regent when he killed the Empress and framed me for her murder, then put Princess Emily Kaldwin on the throne! I am the true savior of all that is good! AND I AM MAKING ALL OF THIS UP! I actually did all of that in video games… I have no life… dammit…" Victor was now sulking in a bush.

"Oh… okay… girls, we should go," Twilight told the rest of the group.

"NOT. WITHOUT. ME."

"Ugh! You can't come with us!" she yelled at him.

"*sniff* W-why are you yelling at me?" he asked, pretending to start crying. Twilight frowned and stared. As he fake-cried, her resolve broke down more and more.

"… Fine, you can come."

"Fuck yeah! Kick-ass! Orangutan! Bacon! I love bacon so much. Bacon is delicious. Like, almost peach soda delicious. I like grapes," he started smiling awkwardly and staring off into space.

"Hm. He reminds me of Derpy," Rainbow Dash said to nobody in particular.

"… We really need to get moving," Twilight told them, walking down the path Victor just came from.

"Hey, there's a possibly gay sea/river monster-serpent-thingy down there that may or may not dislike me in a way that will make it awkward for me to see him again and may or may not start a long conversation about his moustache, which is honestly a pretty nice moustache," Victor warned, following her with the other ponies following behind. (A/N: I never said gay was a bad thing. Don't take it that way if I ever make a gay joke. Also, I don't really care about races, so if I ever make a racist joke, I mean nothing by it. It's just a joke.)

He was ignored as they all walked down to the river he just came from. When they walked down to the river, they saw the possibly gay sea/river monster-serpent-thingy thrashing around in the water, crying and yelling about his moustache. Victor decided this would be a good time to take a nap…

"Sir… sir?"

"Uwah?" Victor said, waking up to see Fluttershy gently shaking him. "Thanks for waking me up. I'm sure Twilight Sparkle wanted to leave me for one of those demon-spawn to eat in my sleep."

"Oh, I don't think she would do that…" Fluttershy said to him quietly and shyly. She's fucking adorable in such a way that made him want to cry and scream like a little schoolgirl.

He stood and looked around. Apparently, Rarity had given the serpent her tail to fix his moustache and, in turn, the serpent made something like a bridge with his body to help them cross. Victor thought it would be awkward to just walk on his body after he just walked off earlier, so he flew over the river.

"Oh! There you are! You just walked off earlier like you didn't want to hear about my moustache! I'm sure you had a good reason, so I'll just tell you about it now! I spend over two hours a day bru-"

"I ate a rock and shat butterflies," Victor interrupted him, not wanting to hear his shit.

"…What?"

"I ate a rock. And shat. Butterflies."

"Oh… I've got to go do… something…" the serpent said, diving under the water.

"That's right you do, bitch," Victor said in a deep black man's voice before turning around and going to where the group had walked off to. They were just finishing some song about laughing at trees or something and were laughing on the forest floor. "Hey! What's up? You kind of left me behind."

"Oh… yeah… sorry," Twilight said, seeming irritated.

Victor looked at her. Then he looked at the others. Then he looked at the forest. Then he looked at that guy in the corner of the room staring at you. Also, you should probably call the police or something. He finally realized that he was no longer high and that he should probably be dead. Maybe he was… He got a distant look on his face and continued walking. The 6 ponies followed him, wondering what was wrong.

"Hey, you alright?" Rainbow Dash asked him. He was deep in thought and didn't hear her, so he kept walking. They came to the bridge he had been at before. A few seconds later, he realized where they were and came out of his trance. Rainbow had flown across the bridge alone to tie the ropes on the other side and fix the bridge.

_Those assholes fucked up the bridge and burned my weed. Fuck them,_ he thought. Then, a thick fog descended upon both sides of the bridge. _Is that the smoke from my weed?!_ He began breathing deeply, hoping he could get high, but he realised that it was just fog. _Well shit. Eh, I'll find more somewhere._

The fog began to clear, revealing some ruins and Rainbow Dash waiting for the group on the other side, the bridge fixed. The ponies without wings walked over the bridge. Fluttershy tried to fly over, but got scared and decided to walk. Victor was already across the bridge and wondering where the fuck his forest went. He went inside the ruins and looked around. There was an altar or something with 5 round stones on it. Twilight and the others walked in after him and did more dialogue stuff that Victor ignored in favor of the grasshopper that was now on his nose. He stared at it intently, determined to see into its soul and find its secrets. While he was doing that, the girls got the stones down from the altar-thingy and put them in front of Twilight. Applejack led the others from the room. All Victor heard was something about concentrating. He wasn't paying much attention to anything aside from the grasshopper on his nose.

Suddenly, the grasshopper evaporated into a bunch of purple smoke. _…Maybe I __**am**__ high…_ the smoke swirled around through the air, landing in front of Twilight and starting to spin like a tornado around the stones. _I don't like this,_ Victor thought, walking over to Twilight. She noticed the tornado and shouted out before jumping into it. Victor dashed into it after her. _Why did I do that? What the fuck, man? _He felt a lurching feeling, sort of like a roller coaster going down the first slope. The feeling ended and he realised that they were in a different ruin. There was a large black co- fuck, PONY!- standing in front of Twilight laughing. She had wings and a horn. _They can have both?_ Victor was about to check if he had one, but decided maybe he should pay more attention to the task at hand. He looked at Twilight to see her getting ready to charge the one he assumed wanted to fuck the world up._ That doesn't look like it's gonna end well._

He made a split second decision. It probably wasn't the smartest one he had ever made. He pushed Twilight out of the way and charged this mystery pony himself, lowering his head and pushing himself with his wings to get a boost. Both of the mares were surprised, and Victor got a hit in on the evil pony before she could react, drawing blood from her shoulder. _Wait… so, I have a horn? Fuckin' sweet._

Twilight had somehow managed to get behind the pony that wanted to kill him to the stones from before. Before he could do anything else, she just poofed in front of Twilight and smashed the stones. Twilight looked terrified about what was going to happen next. Victor charged in again, only to be hit by a bolt of lightning. It threw him across the room and he slammed into a wall. He tried to get back up, but couldn't move at all except for a few twitches. _So __**this**__ is what all those Pokèmon felt like. I don't think I'll ever use Thunder Wave again…_

He could only watch what was going on now. The black pony began some evil rant bullshit that he had heard a million times in games, movies, books, etc. He learned that her name was Nightmare Moon and that she wanted to cover the world in eternal night to take revenge on the sun or something. It made no sense, seeing how half of the world is always going to be lit unless she put the fucking sun OUT, but whatever. Villains, ya know? Like Archie in Pokèmon Sapphire. Flood the world with rain. Moron. Where does the rain come from? The ocean. It's counterproductive.

The other five ponies ran into the room. Twilight started talking about sappy shit that made him fear for his manhood if he stayed much longer, then those five got necklaces and Twilight got a crown. Nightmare Moon looked like she was going to piss herself. Then, the six ponies did some seriously badass magic shit and shot a wave of badass-kill-your-family-and-skin-your-babies rainbow at her. Victor was pretty sure he saw a yellow puddle under her, but that might have been the weird rainbow light. There was a bright flash of light and Victor chose that as a good time to pass out.

Some Amount of Time Later

Victor woke up to see quite a few changes. The room was the same, but now there was a very big white pony and a smaller black pony that looked a lot like Nightmare Moon. The other six were bowing to the white pony. Then there was a heartwarming dialogue about sisters and shit that Victor chose to ignore. He got up to look for another grasshopper. He thought he heard someone say his name, but he ignored that too. He really enjoyed that grasshopper's company, even if it was an evil grasshopper, or pony, or whatever. He heard his name again.

"Victor!" Twilight called for the third time.

"What? Can't you see I'm trying to find a grasshopper to sit on my nose!" he asked.

"That's nice, but you need to meet the princesses first!" she told him. Fuck, it felt like he was living with his mother. 'Don't have fun until you meet this important person that I'm sure you don't give a single shit about!' Pft, royalty. That's the damned reason he moved to the woods with his weed in the first place. Too many royal pains in his ass to stay around.

"Fiiiine…" he whined, walking over and looking at these princesses. They shifted uncomfortably. "It's not you that I hate, just royalty in general. Don't take it personally."

"Don't talk to the princess like that!" Twilight yelled at him

"Sorry, **MOM**!" Victor yelled back.

"What?"

"You nag and whine just like my mom!"

"Excuse me?! At least I'm not some immature-"

"That's quite enough," the white princess with the sun on her butt told them. Heh, Sunbutt. "I understand your disposition towards royalty, Victor. Most ponies with any nobility act like they're better than everyone else."

"Exactly! Noble has more than one definition. Those asses need to learn that."

"Hey! Don't use that language in front of a PRINCESS!" Twilight jumped back in. Victor simple stuck his tongue out. "Ugh, you are so IMMATURE!"

"Calm down, Twilight," Sunnybutt said to her. "It's okay."

Twilight sighed. "Okay princess."

"Anyway, Victor, I understand you helped Twilight get the Elements of Harmony and save the world."

"Not really. All I did was ram into that Nightmare Moon or whoever she was. It isn't a big deal."

The black pony spoke up. "Yes, I'm sorry about that. I'm Princess Luna. I was Nightmare Moon."

"Oh. Sorry for ramming into you then. I guess." Ha!

"No, don't be. It was my fault. You only did what was necessary to save the world."

"… You know, I have never met anyone royal that I didn't hate until now," Victor said to the two. He thought he saw Luna blush, but it was hard to tell with her color.

"Thank you, Victor," Sunnybutt said. "My name is Princess Celestia."

"So, it's like the sun and moon? You and Luna, I mean."

"Yes. I raise the sun every morning and she raises the moon every night."

"Oh, that's nice. So, ho- wait what?! You **raise** the **sun** and **moon**? How the hell does that work?" Victor's brain was now doing somersaults in his head while Twilight glared at him for using profanity in front of the princesses.

"How do you think? We use magic to make the sun and moon come up and go down." Celestia told him.

"What?! But then sun is at the center of the universe! The reason it 'rises' and 'sets' is because of the rotation of the earth! The moon does it because it revolves around the earth!" Victor was now scared and confused.

"I was trapped on the moon for about 1,000 years, so I learned a lot about it. It's raised with magic, Victor," Luna said.

"Trapped on the- WHAT?! Jesus fuck, am I _still_ high? I'm confused. I need to sleep. Is there somewhere I can sleep? A bed, preferably?" A bunny ran inside the ruins then, being chased by some fucked up chicken snake thing. "What? _What? __**What? **__**What?!**_ I am either dead or higher than I have ever even thought about being in my life." The chicken-snake-demon started pecking and biting the chicken.

"Angel!" Fluttershy yelled. She looked terrified of that demon thing, so Victor walked over and kicked it in the face.

"Bad chicken-demon! Don't eat bunnies!" He liked bunnies… The fucker looked at Victor. He saw its eyes glow red and couldn't move his back legs. He looked back to see himself being encased in stone… so he kicked it in the face with his front legs this time. The stone just kind of went away. "Don't turn people to stone either! That's bad!" Victor decided that he did NOT like this forest and wanted to leave immediately.

"Um, sir? Could you please stop kicking the cockatrice?" Fluttershy asked him. He immediately hated himself and everything he had done his entire life and wanted to bow at her feet (er, hooves) and beg forgiveness for the sin of displeasing her. So he did. "Oh, don't apologize. It's okay. You just wanted to save Angel, and I'm glad you did. I just don't like seeing animals get hurt."

"I'm so sorry," he said to her and the cockatrice. One look and a sad voice from her could make an entire barbarian army stop charging and start crying and hoping the gods wouldn't smite them all for making her sad. Angel hopped over and stuck his tongue out at the cockatrice. After about 10 minutes Fluttershy managed to make the cockatrice calm down. It probably would've taken longer, but she… looked at it… or something… it looked like it wanted to shit itself. _How can something so adorable make a demon nearly shit itself? That is true terror. Fuck, I'm done with this forest. _ "Hey, could we get out of this forest? I don't like it. At all. Like, I would be ecstatic about burning it straight to the ground and slaughtering every demon in it," he whispered the last part so that Fluttershy, who was a bit further away from everyone talking to Angel, wouldn't hear him.

"Yeah, I guess we should. Come on, let's go," Twilight said, walking to the exit, everypony following behind.

"Hey, what if we see another pissed off Manticore and it won't listen to Fluttershy?" he asked nobody in particular.

Celestia answered. "Luna and I are quite powerful. I don't think a Manticore would decide to attack us."

"Uh-huh. Alright then. So, theoretically, if one were to attack us, what would happen?"

Luna answered this time. "Well, we would have to defend ourselves and our subjects."

"So, you'd use your badass sun/moon magic shit to obliterate it?"

"… Yes."

"Sweet."

"Victor, you are **so** weird," Rainbow Dash told him. "In a good way though. I think…"

"I get that a lot. Not the good way part, though."

Pinkie Pie had been swimming in the ground up until now. She jumped up in Victor's face. "OHMYGOSH I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!" Pinkie screamed, scaring the hell out of them all.

"Ah! What?" Victor asked with a little bit less hearing ability than he had prior to this conversation.

"I have to throw you a PARTY! There'll be cake and balloons and presents and lots and lots of PONIES!"

"Oh shit… I don't like parties." He wasn't very sociable. You know, in case you hadn't noticed. I actually think I said this earlier… eh, I don't remember or feel like checking. "Waitwaitwait, will there be weed?" he asked.

"Well, there'll be flowers and grass. Is that good?" she asked.

He sighed. "That's not what I-"

She interrupted him. "OH! You mean THAT weed! Yeah, I have plenty of that! Tons!"

He started drooling slightly. "Is it good quality?"

"Oh yeah, it's good. I'll give you some as a gift!" she told him.

"I am a happy person. Or pony, whatever I am now." He said as they finally made it out of the forest.

"What does that mean?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, I'm a human." Celestia and Luna perked up at this. "I think I died or something and now I'm here. Or maybe I've achieved a permanent high. I don't know. Something."

"You said you're a human?" Celestia asked.

"Yup. Not proud of it, to be honest. Humans suck." The princesses giggled and blushed at this. "… What? What was funny about that?"

"Oh, nothing. Just remembering some things from a bit over a thousand years ago." Luna told him.

"Were there humans here then? And why is it funny?" he asked. _FUCK, WHY ARE PEOPLE SO CONFUSING! This is why I hate socializing._

"Yeah, there were humans. Those were fun times…" Celestia told him.

"But princess, I've never found anything about humans in any books I've read." Twilight said, joining the conversation. Pinkie was gone. Just gone. Nobody saw her leave. Victor was pretty sure she just disappeared.

"Well, that's because not many people knew about the humans that were here. The few that did, well… they didn't want to share…" Celestia told them, the two giggling again.

"What are you talking about?" Victor asked. He then realised something horrifying. "Oh my god DID YOU EAT THEM?!" he yelled loudly.

"No Victor, nopony would ever eat another living being, especially not a human! They were too amazing for that."

"So… what did you do with them?" he asked tentatively.

Celestia leaned in and whispered in his ear. "Dirty things."

"Oh. Ohohokay. Well… that's very… um… interesting…" Victor was now quite uncomfortable. Humans having sex with ponies? That didn't seem right. _I am one open-minded son of a bitch, but that's going a little too far. I'll try almost anything once, but dammit, I don't know about this._

"What? What is it?" Twilight asked. She looked like if she didn't find out within the next 6 seconds, she would turn inside-out and explode.

"Oh, nothing," Luna told her.

"Pleasepleasepleasepleeeaaassse tell me!" she begged.

_She'll regret asking that,_ Victor thought.

"Okay Twilight. We would have sex with them," she stated bluntly. Everyone present, aside from the one who had already heard it and the two that had been alive back then, immediately stopped walking and looked at the princesses and Victor.

"Uh, what was that Princess?" Applejack asked.

"We. Had. Sex. With. Them," she said again.

"Oh…"

"MOVING ALONG!" Victor shouted and began walking. He could see the town that he assumed they were headed to from here, so he walked far ahead of the group. After about 5 minutes he made it there. There was nobody anywhere. It looked like a ghost town. Victor walked through the town, looking around for somewhere he could eat. The first place he found was called Sugarcube Corner. He walked inside. It was really dark. He heard something move behind him and turned to face it.

The lights came on and every pony in the town jumped out from behind whatever they happened to be hiding behind and shouted "SURPRISE!" Victor, being the semi-timid person he was, jumped a few feet in the air and flew the rest of the way to the ceiling, which he slammed his head into. He then fell back to the floor and stood up shakily. Pinkie Pie jumped in front of him.

"Do you like your party?" she asked.

"What? You already threw me a party? How did you get everything set up so fast?"

"I'm Pinkie Pie, silly!" she told him, bouncing off to eat cake. He then remembered the weed and started looking for the presents. He ran into seemingly every single pony there, who all greeted him and had short conversations. By the time he reached the table with the gifts, he knew them all by name and was pretty sure a few hours had passed.

_I walked 30 fucking feet…_ he thought, looking for whatever might contain his magic plant. He saw a large box with a marijuana leaf painted on the top and figured it had his weed. If so, he was set for a few weeks. Or a few days. It just depended on how bored or sad or happy or angry he got. All of those were perfectly good excuses for weed. He opened the box and looked inside to see more weed than he could have gotten from his garden in two harvests, **and** it was packaged perfectly,**AND**there was even the paper to roll it in._ I love this place, _he thought to himself, grabbing a pack and a piece of paper from the box, quickly making a joint. He looked for a lighter or something, but couldn't find one, so he used the candles on the cake. He put it to his mouth and took a deep breath.

About five minutes later, he had found a guitar and was playing "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd while many ponies wondered what was wrong with him and a few joined in getting stoned. Namely, Lyra Heartstrings, Pinkie Pie, and Derpy Hooves. Sadly, a pony named Bon Bon took Lyra, Twilight took Pinkie, and some brown pony with an hourglass for his ass-tat whose name he didn't catch took Derpy. This made him sad, so he walked over to them and started a stoned conversation with them about why they should let stoners get stoned together, but then got on the subject of peach soda, them started talking about some unicorn named Charlie, and frankly, nobody could follow along with what he was saying. In the end, he decided eating 17 cupcakes, drinking 23 cups of peach juice, and passing out on the stairs would be an acceptable course of action.

ASDF

_You cannot change what you refuse to confront._


	2. Chapter 2

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I think I like it. Also, eeveechamp! You, bro. Your review! Yes, man. You made me a happy panda. Because pandas are pandas. I am a panda. You are all reading things written by a panda. Have fun with your panda story, bronies! This took a lot longer than expected to finish. I was in the ER some time while in the process of writing this, so I'll use that horrid experience as an excuse for not doing this fast enough. Although, that was most certainly not the reason. I just procrastinated. Hard. Not gonna lie to you. And school, so yeah. I would use the excuse that I died, but I don't think that would work. Also, **the world Victor comes from is like an even more fucked up version of ours for the sake of comedy and other such things. **Bolded that because I figured most people won't read my rambling anyway. **EDIT: Fixed a few spelling errors.**

My Little Stoner

Chapter 2: The Chapter That I Couldn't Think of a Name For

Victor woke up without opening his eyes. He didn't want to open them. If he did, he thought he would be in a hospital bed, or a prison bed, or an asylum bed. He couldn't bear the thought of going to that miserable existence. He heard a door open, then a strange noise, like a hard object striking the ground, except it was repetitive. Was the nurse wearing high heels? He decided to take the advice he gave his little sister 6 years ago. _It's better to know and be disappointed than to never know and always wonder._ He opened his eyes to see another, albeit much larger, pair staring at him. He probably would have been surprised if not for the aforementioned sister doing this on a constant basis. At least, before that accident… _Fuck, I can't think about shit like that right now. I need to tell Pinkie not to touch her eyes to mine. That seems just a little too intimate to me._ He blinked. Pinkie seemed to understand everything he was thinking through that blink and was now standing on the ceiling getting ready to fire a cannon in the room.

"Yay, death by Pinkie," he said unenthusiastically. _Eh, if I have to go, this might just be how I want to do it._ The cannon fired…

The room was now covered in balloons and confetti. There was a plate of cupcakes in his lap. There were about thirt- zero. There were zero cupcakes on the plate. Victor didn't want to share his cupcakes. He liked cupcakes…

"VICTOR! HAI! How are you doing?!" Pinkie yelled.

"I'm thirsty. Really bad. And I was hungry. But then I got cupcakes, and I wasn't hungry anymore. Can I have more peach juice?"

"Okay! How about apple? Applejack has lots and lots of that!"

"Ehhhhhhhhokay. I guess. Can I have weed, too? Like, a lot of weed?"

"Actually, Twilight wanted to ask you some stuff. I'd give you some, but she won't let me," Pinkie had a goofy sad face. Then she was happy and started jumping on him. "Let's go~ sleepyhead! Get up!"

"Mehhhhhraaaghzabogya," Victor groaned specifically. Really, go back and read that groan. I put quite a bit of thought into it. I didn't waste five minutes of inspiration time so you could skip my groaning. Now, unless you want to waste my precious little inspiration time by not reading my intricate groans, maybe I'll just write even less than I already do! Yeah! Now, if you went back to read it, tell me. I want to know if you did.

"QUINTILLUS! Stop!" Pinkie yelled.

W-what? What is this sorcery? You… YOU ARE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

"Yeah, because you won't do more story!"

I-I'm sorry! I'll get right on it!

"Um… okay… so Pinkie, where's Twilight?" Victor asked, confused as much as I am. Please, help me…

Pinkie glared at me. Oh god, I have to narrate her terrifying things… "She should be here any second!" When she said that, Twilight walked with a saddlebag. Saddles. There are no humans in this world anymore. Celestia said humans were used for sex. They came from my world, I'm assuming. My world had horses back then. And saddles… alright, this has confirmed my suspicions that saddles in Equestria are kinky.

"Hello Victor. I just want to ask you some questions about humans," she told him.

"Can I have weed? I'm better at everything when I have weed. EVERYTHING." He got very close to Twilight and said "**EVERYTHING**." He then got right in her ear and whispered "**_EVERYTHING_**."

Twilight was now blushing. Damn perv, he knew saddles were kinky. Eh, whatever. She was pretty cool, for the most part. "W-well, I-I would r-rather ask questions w-without the risk of you p-p-passing out…"

"I'd rather you not stutter every time I make a slightly suggestive theme." So would I, it's hard to type that stuff at 3:30 am.

"Um… sorry."

"Pervertsayswhat?" Victor said quickly.

"What?"

"HA! Okay, what are your questions, you little pervert?"

"I am not a pervert! I am a student of Princess Celestia!"

"Okay, Celestia's pervy student, what are your questions?" he asked.

Twilight glared at him. Pinkie laughed. "Okay, first off, what's a human?"

"A bipedal, omnivorous, sentient primate with much less hair than other primates, aside from that on the top of their head. The people are warlike, mostly, and many usually tend to hurt others for enjoyment and to make themselves feel better. The individuals performing the aforementioned actions are quite pathetic and deserve to be beaten with a large rock of some sort."

"Oh… were you one of those people?" Twilight asked.

"I like to think I wasn't. I usually tried not to be around people, and when I was, I typically ignored them. Occasionally I tried to be social, but it never turned out very well. Now, if somebody was a decent person, didn't get on my nerves, and we had similar interests, I could get along with them. But there weren't many of them. I had less than ten friends when I left, I believe. Something like that."

"More than I used to have…" she muttered, thinking Victor wasn't listening. "So, next question. What was your world like?"

"Well, we had no magic, and most animals couldn't talk. Parrots could mimic, and some lesser primates, like chimps, could use sign language, but ponies definitely couldn't do anything like that. Also, sign language is using appendages on the ends of their arms called fingers. Their arms are what front legs are to you. Primates don't walk on them, so they found other uses. Fingers are thin appendages that have three joints in them, allowing for good flexibility to perform complex actions. There are four fingers on each hand, which is what is between and arm and the fingers. There is a fifth appendage on the hand called a thumb. It has two joints, which is why it isn't classified as a finger. It allows for much better gripping capabilities than anything without thumbs can have."

"Oh, this is amazing! You have so much to say!" Twilight yelled excitedly.

"Twilight, that's nothing. That's one of the smallest pieces of information I could give you," Victor told her. Which he came to regret, because she had him laying there for hours explaining human biology, economy, philosophy, and a lot more things with y's at the end of them. The only thing that stopped the torture was the physical pain Victor began to experience. Thankfully, he didn't get to how unicorns and pegasi are just mythology where he came from. That would've killed him.

"Ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh thank you soooo much Victor!" Twilight yelled, hugging him tightly. Rainbow Dash had flown in just before.

"Hey, that's MY thing!" she said to Twilight, making her blush. Before anyone interrupted his eating time anymore, Victor's stomach growled loudly, signifying that he needed more motherfucking cupcakes. Now.

"I need more motherfucking cupcakes. Now." He told them.

"I got it!" Pinkie yelled, saluting and dashing/flying/teleporting out of the room.

"… That's…" Victor began.

"Strange?" Twilight continued.

"Weird?" Rainbow added.

"Pinkie," Victor confirmed. They then heard a loud, annoying, girly scream from outside. "Oh shit." He jumped out of bed and flew to the window… then fell out. "What? Not cool, wings! You need to learn how to work!"

"It's not the wings," Rainbow told him as she flew out, laughing.

"Why are you laughing? Someone just screamed! This is an emergency! I have to go get my ears checked now!"

"Really? That's what the emergency is?" Twilight asked, walking out and levitating him onto his feet.

"Well, yeah. But I guess that scream was important too. We should probably check on it," Victor said, trying to fly again. He failed. Badly. As in, he ended up inside of a nearby mailbox. "Why can't I fly? I did it fine yesterday!"

"No, you just hovered," Rainbow told him, trying hard not to fall out of the air laughing. "**If** you're not really a pegasus, and you **are** a human or whatever, you need to learn to fly!"

"… Wait…" Twilight said. She opened her eyes wide and dashed over to Victor. "YOU'RE AN ALICORN! How did I not notice before?! This is incredible! The only Alicorns left that anyone knows of are the princesses!"

"Hey, Twilight?" Rainbow said. Twilight looked at her. "I think that we should worry about that later," she told her as she pointed down the road. A Manticore was chasing a small yellow pony with a red mane.

"Oh shit," Victor rushed to get out of the mailbox. When he did, there was a loud pop, kind of like what you would expect from a Tom and Jerry cartoon. He looked down to see a small light gray (grey? God, this is why they called them Pokemon Black and White 2 instead of gr[e\a]y) pony with brown spots staring down the Manticore while the yellow one ran over to Applejack, who decided to show up out of nowhere all of a sudden. "OH SHIT!" Victor started running over to the Manticore as fast as his strange new four legs could carry him. He was surprised to find that it was faster than his old two, even though he wasn't used to this body. He opted to do what he had done yesterday and used his semi-useless wings to go faster. It worked, but he had bad timing. So bad, in fact, that the gods that rule over time decided to make that the instant the Manticore roared, just so that Victor would run into its mouth. Thankfully, his horn rammed into the back of the Manticore's throat, piercing through it.

"Hey! I'm supposed to beat that monster!" the little grey pony said.

"Quiet pipsqueak! I'm saving your life!" Victor yelled as he ripped his horn out of the Manticore's mouth, tearing open the back. It roared again, with considerably less effect, before trying to pounce on Victor. He ducked and, right as the Manticore was over him, jumped up, stabbing the Manticore in the neck and being dragged along behind it. The Manticore slid for a few yards before stopping with Victor trapped beneath it. _I can't see, I can't breathe, and this thing is starting to crush my ribs. I probably could have gone about this a better way._

"Get him out from under there!" he heard, muffled by the 700-900 pound monster on him. Suddenly, the weight lifted off him and he saw Twilight using her voodoo-magic-shit on the fatass. This was good and bad. Good, because he wasn't going to die, bad because it meant his horn was no longer blocking any blood from falling on him.

"That's fucking sick. I need a shower." He shook some blood off him and wiped it from his eyes with his hooves, however that works, and looked around. It seems that the commotion of a Manticore being slaughtered had managed to draw the entire town to that spot. He realized that they were in front of Sugarcube Corner, not that it really mattered. Everypony was staring at him in horror. _Oh fuck._ _This never ends well. All the innocent people of a small town witness an outsider kill something… I should probably leave now…_ He began backing away slowly. Once he was about 1 inch away, he bolted, but was stopped by magic. _Oh, fuck you Twilight._

"Wait! You can't leave!" She walked over to him. "We have to make sure you're okay! And you're an Alicorn! I have so many new questions to ask you!"

_Oh, FUCK you Twilight._ "Yeah, I'd love to, but… you know… my… food… is burning… and I have to feed my dog- no, cat! Wait, no, PARROT! Yup, gotta feed my parrot, sorry, please put me down now." _I don't feel like being shunned today. Maybe tomorrow, or next Thursday, but not today._

"How can you feed your parrot if you're in another world?" Twilight asked him.

_I will plunge my fist/hoof/thing into your chest, rip out your still-beating heart, and I will eat it. All of it. __**Every single bit.**_ "… Right… forgot about that…"

"Um… Victor?" Fluttershy, who also came of fucking nowhere, flew up to him.

_Oh fuck, if there is a god, please strike me down now._ "…Yes?"

"Are you okay? You didn't get hurt, did you?" she asked.

_Wait, what? _"Wait, what?"

"Did the Manticore hurt you?" she asked again.

_Oh, thank any deity that may be listening. _"Pft, naw. I'm too badass for a Manticore to even _touch_ me, let alone hurt me!" Obviously not too badass for a random grey pony with a light blue mane to accidentally slam into you, inadvertently plowing you into a brick wall while you're talking though.

"… Ow. That hurt," Victor stated.

"Hey! Watch where you're going, would ya'?" she yelled at him.

"… What?" He may have had a minor concussion…

"I don't have time for this! I need to be at Rarity's to help with that design!" She flew by Victor faster than any living thing he'd ever seen. He barely managed to see a paintbrush on her flank before she was out of sight.

"… She was fast…" Fucking concussions.

"Pft, that was nothin'!" Rainbow shouted. "You should see ME in action! I'm the fastest flier in Equestria!"

"… Yeah?..." _Dammit!... Will you just… butterflies… and a snail… dirt... _And with that, he passed out for the second time in this short time period.

He woke up in a tree. No kidding, he was actually in a tree. Like, it had been hollowed out and a house had been made in it. Or, as he later found out, a library.

"…What?..." _Fuck… No fair… If I'm gonna talk like this… I should be high…_

"Oh, good! You're awake!"

_Mother… Fucking… Twilight… Sparkle… Fuuuuuck…_

Rainbow Dash walked in when Twilight said that. "He's awake? Good." She turned to him. "Sorry about Painted Skies. She never watches where she's going."

The blue and grey demon flew in, slamming into the wall. "You're one to talk, Rainbow! Didn't they call you Rainbow Crash back in flight school?" she mocked playfully.

"At least I try!" she mocked back, bumping into her.

"… What?..." Victor still had a concussion. These ponies are so considerate!

"Uh, is he a little… slow?" The one he assumed was Painted Skies asked.

"I don't think so. This didn't start until shortly after that attack. Maybe the Manticore did something."

_FUCKING TWILIGHT! _"…You gave me... a goddamn… concussion… fuck me…"

"Oh… sorry…" Painted Skies looked down.

_Oh shit nonononono! I do NOT want to see a girl cry! _"Hey… s'alright! I'm fine… see?" Victor told her, trying to get up. He stumbled and fell to the floor. "… Ow… Fuck…"

"Oh no! I'm so sorry!" Skies looked ready to cry now. This was getting desperate. Victor decided to pull out the only trick he had left in this condition. He began tickling her from his place on the floor. "AH! D-don't do tha- HAHA! Oh, ple- sto- HAHAHA! Oh Celestia please make it stop!"

_I think I deserve a fucking medal for all the shit I've had to put up with the last few days._ A bright light began shining in front of him as soon as he finished thinking that. Celestia then appeared where the light was. Victor held his head and squeezed his eyes shut when that started. It wasn't helping his concussion-induced headache.

"Victor! I have come to reward you for your services to Equ-" she stopped when she saw him on the floor in the fetal position. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah… Just a fucking concussion…" he answered. Celestia bent down, her horn shining. She touched Victor's horn with hers. _Heh._ Suddenly, his concussion was gone. "… Twilight Mother Fucking Sparkle, why couldn't you do that?"

"I… didn't think to…" Because, even with how insanely intelligent she was, she had no common sense whatsoever. "Oh, but princess! He's an Alicorn!"

"I see that, Twilight. I noticed yesterday, but didn't bring it up because I needed to get back to Canterlot and didn't have time to give this the proper attention."

_Canterlot? Really? Fuck, next it'll be Manehattan and Fillydelphia._

"I also had business in Manehattan and Fillydelphia. I apologize for not being able to get to this sooner."

_Fucking called it._ "So, Alicorn?"

Twilight answered. "An Alicorn is a pony with the horn of a Unicorn. the wings of a Pegasus, and the strength of an Earth Pony."

"Oh, thanks Twilight. I mean, it's not like I can plainly see that or anything." He sassed. "When I asked that, I expected a bit more of an explanation than that. Now, if you can't give me better, you better prepare for me to get sassy, woman."

Celestia decided to give a better explanation. Which, honestly, would've been anything. "Alicorns can use Unicorn magic at a much greater level, can fly faster and with more control than Pegasi, and can work as hard as an Earth Pony. They're very rare. Until now, The only ones I've known of were myself, my sister, and Cadance," she told him. "All female…"

_I don't know if I like where this is going._

"Now that there's a male, maybe there can be more…"

_Okay, still not sure if I like this._

"So, maybe you should come back to Canterlot and meet the three of us on a more… _personal_ level."

_Still not sure…_

"And by that I mean sex."

_Still not completely certain…_ "I… have to go feed my parrot," Victor said, trying to rush from the room. Twilight stopped him with magic. _If she doesn't put me down within 3 seconds I am going to fucking eviscerate her with my horn, hang her intestines from this tree, shove her heart down a baby pony's throat, and get a Manticore to rape the body._ Thankfully, she put him down on the bed rather quickly. It was 2.9 seconds. _Lucky little son of a bitch._

"Victor, I told you earlier. Your parrot is in another world." Twilight was looking at him as if he was retarded.

"… I can use magic, right? How do I do that?" Victor asked them.

"Well, it's hard to explain briefly, but you have to-" Twilight began.

"Twilight, my student, we can just _show_ him with magic." Celestia touched his horn with hers again (seriously, I feel like this should be erotic) and he immediately knew the basics of magic. Just like that.

"What the fuck? Okay, whatever, I don't care." Victor shot a blinding light at Celestia and Twilight before rushing from the room again. Then he stopped. "I could probably just say I don't want to fuck her because she's a horse. Yeah, that sounds easier than running for the rest of my life!" Victor foolishly waked back in, believing that. One case of attempted rape later, he realized that shit doesn't work like that here. Celestia finally realized that he didn't want to make babies though, so whatever. _Damn princess._

"Okay Victor, you win. I'll let you think about it," Celestia told him, disappearing in a blinding flash of light.

"Goddammit. That was annoying." Victor was currently on the floor in a very revealing position. Twilight was looking away, blushing. Rainbow and Skies decided to get as much eye-candy as possible though. "… The two of you are staring at my dick," he plainly stated. Rainbow blushed heavily and looked away. Skies, however, kept looking. Victor decided to get up at that point, removing his member from her line of sight.

"Awww…" Skies looked sad about that.

"Don't make me fucking tickle you again," Victor warned her. "Because I am a hardcore tickler. I have made even the strongest of men cry and beg for mercy. And yes, that does sound incredibly gay. I don't care."

"OKAY! I'm good! Yup, no tickling required!" Then, the kids from before walked in with Applejack following them.

"Howdy mister!" the little yellow one said. "I'd like to thank you for savin' me and Pip! That Manticore would've had us for sure if you didn't help!

"Pft! I had that Manticore! I could've taken it down, easy!" The yellow one gave Pip a glare. "I mean… thanks… I guess. But, how'd you know my name back there?"

"What? I didn't know your name. I don't even think I said a name." Victor was confused about just what the fuck this kid was talking about. He was beginning to think he was retarded.

"You called me Pipsqueak. That's my name. Everypony calls me Pip though, most of the time."

_Fuck, his parents must hate him. _"I wasn't saying your name. But whatever."

"Hey, Twilight," Applejack said, turning to her lavender friend.

"Yes Applejack? What do you need?" Twilight asked her alcohol/cereal amigo.

"I need somebody to help me pick apples. Would you mind? It should be pretty easy with your magic an' all."

"Sure. Spike!"

"Wait, who the fuck is Spike?" Victor asked. He then saw a little Barny-dragon thing walk in. "Oh." He looked like he had just woken up. _Oh this bitch just interrupted his nap. What the fuck, woman?_ "Twilight, you do not interrupt a man's nap for shit like this." Twilight just ignored him and magicked Spike onto her back, trotting out the door with Applejack and leaving him to deal with these four children.

"So, Victor was it? You think you're tough?" Pipsqueak asked.

"No, no I do not, my diminutive friend," he answered like the smartass he is.

"Dimi- what?" The large word obviously stumped the young pony. He seemed confused as to whether he should be offended or complimented.

"It means small."

"Hey! I might be small, but I'm tough!" Pip said, doing the pony equivalent of flexing. He wasn't very tough at all. Honestly, Victor could probably lightly poke him with his hoof and leave a large bruise.

"Hey, I didn't mean to offend. No reason to get violent."

He looked at Victor skeptically, as if he could actually hurt him. "Hmmm… okay then. But the next time I try to fight a monster, don't steal my thunder!" Victor was beginning to like him, for some reason.

"Well, I'd rather you didn't get hurt, so no promises."

"No monster can beat me! I'm too strong to lose!" He attempted (and failed) flexing again.

"Pip, you need ta' stop bein' so overconfident! You might get hurt!" the little yellow one told him.

"Hey, what's your name?" Victor asked her.

"Ah'm Applebloom!"

"Well, that's wonderful," he told her. She beamed at his unenthusiastic compliment.

"Hey, Victor!" Skies said, suddenly in his face. "Want me to teach you to fly?!"

"Um… I don't think so…" he answered.

"What? What's that supposed to mean? Come on! I'm teaching you!" She grabbed him with her hoof (fucking sorcery, I swear) and dragged him outside. She then jumped into the air and threw him. He promptly fell to the ground. Well, more like fell to the porcupine walking on the ground. That porcupine, Skies, Dash, Pip, Applebloom, The surrounding animals, and the surrounding plant life then went temporarily deaf from the sheer volume of the scream. The next five minutes were spent with everyone but Victor regaining their hearing while he sat there pulling needles from his face.

"You are NOT teaching me to fly," he bluntly told her. She grinned sheepishly.

"Heh, sorry about that… Can I have just one more chance to teach you?" she asked, putting on a puppy-dog face.

"Oh by the love of all that is good, not the puppy-dog face!" Victor tried to shield his vision from the assault of adorable sadness hurtling at him with untold force. "Must… resist…" His attempt, as all are, was futile. "No… these power levels… their… OVER 9000! NOOOOOO!" He fell over dramatically, putting one hoof to his head, closing both eyes, and letting his tongue fall from his mouth. "I… have… fallen… Forgive me, Vegeta…"

"What are you talking about? Get up so I can teach you!" Skies poked at him with a hoof several times, then got a stick. A large, sharp stick.

"I'M UP!" Victor jumped into the air, hovering.

"Okay, you've got hovering down. Now, just…"

The next few hours were filled with flying lessons. These lessons happened to cause Victor much, much pain and he was pretty sure he had broken several bones. Rainbow, however, found it fucking hilarious, which she made very clear. Very loudly. Victor was honestly more worried that she had burst a lung laughing than he was about his bones.

"Dammit… My fucking everything…" he groaned.

"Oh, stop complaining. At least you can fly now!" Skies told him.

"Yeah… Thanks, I guess." At least he had gotten to see her in some… compromising positions during the lessons. That's something! He then noticed that they were flying over a large apple orchard. He looked down and saw Twilight and Applejack walking along a road with baskets of apples on their backs. They were talking about something. Apparently, Rainbow had flown ahead of them and was already their. She flew down and joined the conversation. They got their about ten seconds later, around the time Rainbow finished some speech about the Wonderbutts or whatever. "So, what's she talking about?"

"The Wonderbolts! They're the greatest aerial acrobatics team in Equestria! Me and Dashy have always wanted to join them! I'm a bit too preoccupied with my art and the weather team to practice much, but that's pretty much all Rainbow does when we aren't at out job." She seemed to be really excited about it. He still didn't get what the big deal was. So they can do tricks and shit in the air. Big deal.

Now back to the argument that was currently taking place between Applejack and Rainbow Dash. They were apparently fighting over some ticket Twilight got from the princess, not realizing that Twilight was the one that would pick who got to go. They both had some pretty decent arguments, although Applejack's was considerably less selfish. Rainbow wanted to fulfill her lifelong dream and Applejack wanted money to fix her barn and buy stuff for her family. "Dude, fuckin' Apples here all the way," Victor said, wrapping one front leg around the cowgirl. "No offense Rainbow, but your reason is just a teensy bit selfish." Typed that whole fucking sentence with the bottom of an ice-cream cone.

"Hey! It's my life dream to meet them and become a Wonderbolt! I _need_ this! It might be my only chance! Applejack'll have plenty of chances to fix her barn!"

"What you need is to ask Twilight if she'll ask the princess for another ticket," he told her, being the only logical person here. But alas, twas not to be. Because fucking woman logic CAN I GET AN AMEN BROTHA'S?!

"That would never work! Gala tickets are _impossible_ to get!" Rainbow argued.

"She's right, Victor. We were lucky to get these," Twilight told him.

"But she's the fucking pri-" Victor was cut off from his **logic** by the tom-boy logic of arm-wrestling over everything. "Fuck it. I'm out." He flew off back to town to read a book in the library. Hopefully he could find one about magic.

…

The fuck was he kidding? That library had a fucking unicorn whose life was dedicated to magic living in it.

He made it there in about ten minutes and flew to the balcony thing on the tree-library. After letting himself in by politely knocking (heh, right. He broke the glass and unlocked the door that way), he walked down to the bookshelves and looked for beginner magic books. After finding one about self-defense magic, he sat down to study. Hopefully it wouldn't be complete bullshit.

Fluttershy came by a few hours later with her animals and started cleaning Twilight's house for some reason. They wither didn't notice Victor, or left him alone. Either way, he ignored them and kept reading. Twilight came by later and got upset because Fluttershy was cleaning her dirty-ass house for her sorry ass and said that she was only doing it for a ticket.

"Okay, is this the same damn ticket? Twilight Fucking Sparkle, you need to take my advice on this and ask the princess for anot-" he was interrupted again by a raccoon jumping on his face. "Oh, you cute little thing!" he said to it, pretending to baby it. "I'm gonna kill you, skin you, and harvest your soul for my overlord-master." The raccoon promptly leapt from his grasp and fled the house. "That's right bitch. Fuckin' interrupt me." Then, PINKIE!

"SURPRISE!" a fuckton of ponies yelled, coming out of nowhere.

"What?" Victor was thoroughly confused.

"Twilight is my bestest friend! Whoopie Whoopie!" Pinkie was being Pinkie.

"Is this bitch singing?"

** "**Pinkie..." Twilight seemed quite agitated by this. Which was understandable, given that Pinkie is fucking annoying at times. Awesome, but annoying.

"She's the cutest, smartest, all around best pony, pony!

** "**She's fucking singing."

** "**Pinkie."

"I bet if I throw a super-duper fun party, party!"

** "**Pinkie!"

"She'll give her extra ticket to the Gala to me!"

****"**_PINKIE_**!"

** "**Yes, Twilight?"

"I'm done with this shit," Victor told them, flying from the room with his book. He was just learning how to use something to the effect of a stun gun. He flew to a nearby tree, but then remembered something from his lessons with Skies. He could sit on mother fucking clouds. He flew up to one and laid down. "Holy. Fucking. Shit. This is the softest thing I have ever touched in my life." He opened the book and continued reading. That is, until he heard the mob for five. Straight. Minutes. The were fucking running all over town. Probably harassing Twilight over that ticket. He flew back to the library where, hey, guess who was waiting. Her friends.

Then came that bright-ass light again. Fucking Cele- wait, it's just Twilight. Victor went back to reading on the floor. Twilight was yelling about how she couldn't decide who to give her ticket to and that them doing her favors wasn't helping. After some really sappy shit about friendship and a report (_dafuq?_) to Celestia about it, Twilight decided that sending both tickets back to Celestia would be the best thing to do.

"Spike, take a note! " She started her bullshit letter.

"Dear Princess Celestia,

I've learned that one of the joys of friendship is sharing your blessings, but when there's not enough blessings to go around, having more than your friends can make you feel pretty awful. So, though I appreciate the invitation, I will be returning both tickets to The Grand Galloping Gala."

"What?!" all of her friends said in unison.

"If my friends can't go, I don't want to go either!" she declared.

"Twilight, you don't have to do that," Applejack told her.

"Nope. I've made up my mind. Spike, you can send the letter now." Victor was thoroughly confused when Spike just burned it with his epic green fire breath.

"Now you won't get to go to the Gala either…" Fluttershy remorsefully said. God, so fucking adorable in all situations.

"It's okay girls. I couldn't possibly enjoy myself without my best friends there with me, so I would rather not go at all," Twilight told everyone.

"Hrg… Urk… Bff…" Spike sounded like he was going to throw up.

"Well wallop my withers, Spike. Isn't that just like a boy? Can't handle the least bit of sentiment," Applejack said, not seeming to notice that he was actually about to throw up.

"*BURP*" Or burp fire. Whatever.

"Woah nelly!" Applejack cried.

"A letter from the princess? That was fast," Twilight commented. Spike opened the letter and began reading.

"My faithful student Twilight,

Why didn't you just say so in the first place?"

"Six tickets to The Grand Galloping Gala!" Spike yelled, holding them up. Each of the six girls took one.

"Now we can all go!" Twilight said happily before her stomach loudly growled.

"How about we treat you to dinner?" Rainbow offered. "It's the least we can do for stressing you out so bad." They all started walking out. When they were out the door, Spike grumpily followed.

"How come _I _don't get a ticket?" he asked himself before burping again.

"And one for you Spike."

The Barny-esque dragon began giggling merrily, running off to follow the girls.

"Oh, hey, yeah! Let's forget Victor exists!" he called after them. "It was my damned suggestion to ask for more tickets in the first place…" Suddenly, there was another blinding light. Thankfully, that book taught Victor a spell that pretty much gave his vision the effect of sunglasses. When the light died down, he dispelled it and looked at Celestia.

"Did you think about my _offer_, Victor?" she asked seductively.

"Nope. I'd rather not, to be honest. I mean, there's about a 6,000 year difference there. And you could probably get all the sex you want, being the princess. You just have to ask all those desperate, unmarried virgins out there," he told her.

"Ugh. Fine. By the way, here." She magicked up a couple of Gala tickets in front of him. "For you and _Painted Skies_," she said with a large amount of hostility.

"Hey, why all the venom towards her? She's cool," Victor said in her defense.

"Whatever. Now, go eat with your new friends," she told him, the warmth returning to her voice.

"I was actually gonna sleep…"

"Go. Eat." She was smiling really creepily, so he opted to go eat with his new friends. He took another book on practical magic before he left, putting the other back where he got it.

"I'm gonna be a badass fuckin' mage. Yeah, bitches." He continued talking to himself all the way to the restaurant. Which was a while, seeing how he didn't know where it was. Once he got there, he flew over, stealthily stole a burger from the waiter tray, and sat down with Twilight and co. "I told you to ask for more tickets."

"Shut up, Victor," Twilight flew up, also stealing a burger and sitting down.

"You shouldn't steal," Victor told her. Everyone looked at him like he was an idiot. "What? Just because I do stupid shit doesn't mean everyone else has to."

"Right," Skies said sarcastically. "Just eat your hay burger."

"Hay? What the fuck? No hamburger?" He was ready to cry. "Man, fuck this shit."

ASDF

_When you're up, your friends know who you are. When you're down, you know who your friend are._


	3. Chapter 3

Fuck, I need to post more often. It makes me feel bad when I don't.

My Little Stoner

Chapter 3: VICTOR FINALLY GETS WEED! And Pony Stuff. I Guess

"Fucking… Weed…" Victor moaned, walking up the stairs in Sugarcube Corner. Apparently, his weed had been stored there. He hadn't had any for a few days, so he was kind of… stressed. Hey, you try living with clinical depression and anxiety, then dealing with these ponies. Although about two thirds of that problem were disappearing. Gotta fucking love ponies, man.

"Victor, you should calm down," Twilight told him. She had decided to come with him to monitor his behavior while high on the ambrosia-&-nectar-esque plant.

"Twilight Mother Fucking Sparkle, what do you think the weed's for?" he asked her.

"A better question is why do you keep calling me Twilight Mother Fu-"

"STOP!" Victor shouted, interrupting her. "Do not use that word! You are still innocent! Don't start throwing it away. Meaning, don't copy me in any way whatsoever."

"What, you aren't innocent?" she asked smart-assly.

"Uh, no. I thought I had just made that evident. Well, I guess I still have my virginities," he said. Yes, that's plural. It's intended. Read on.

"Virginities? What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Well, I haven't had sex. Nor have I committed murder. So that's two. Wish I knew more, but I don't care. How fucking long are these stairs?!" Seriously, they had been walking for a good five minutes.

"It's Pinkie's house," she told him. "Just go with it."

"Fuck you, Pinkie Pie," Victor said to the air around him. BUT SUDDENLY!

"Is that a serious offer?" Guess who came out of that aforementioned air? "Because if it is, we're in front of my room!" And so they were.

"… HOW? I'm not even high yet! Fuck! When did we get off the stairs?" He was freaking out slightly. _God, I need my weed._ And thankfully, it was in Pinkie's room…

…

…

Wait… Pinkie's room… "Um… Can you jst bring it by the tree later? I need to feed my chicken."

"I thought it was a parrot," Twilight interjected.

"Hey. Fuck you." Victor aggressively walked into the room, grabbed a few bags, then tried to run. But he didn't realize something. You can run. You can hide. But no matter what you do or where you go, Pinkamena Diane Pie will find you. And she will kill yo- WAIT, wrong line. Yada yada yada, will find you, blah blah blah will force you to party until you drop. There. Fucking fixed it.

"Where ya going, Victor?!" Pinke asked loudly, hovering upside-down in front of him.

"The tree. I was going to get Spike to light a joint for me."

"Can I come?" She fell onto the floor with a *boing* noise, bouncing into the air and standing up.

"Um… Sure…" _For the love of all that is good in the world, please kill me._ Pinkie's cool. But less so when you're this stressed.

"YAY! Let's gogogogogo!" She began bouncing. Victor walked out of Sugarcube corner with many stares. He was holding several bags of weed with a strange pink pony bouncing behind him, giggling. Then they realized it was Pinkie and kept walking. They're used to her shit.

"Pinkie, I swear to god…" Victor was getting irritated. Now, normally it wouldn't bother him, but he was stressed. Bad. Mostly from his past in the other world. Or universe. Or time. Whatever it is.

"Who's God?" Pinkie asked him.

"A religious figure," he bluntly answered.

"What's religion?"

"Well, people have always wondered how a lot of things worked, but couldn't figure it out. Of course, something had to cause everything, right? So those people decided that it was some form of higher power. Like how Celestia supposedly raises the sun and Luna supposedly raises the moon."

"So, did you believe any of it?" Pinkie asked curiously. Victor didn't peg Pinkie as the type to enjoy history, or religion, or learning, but whatever.

"Nope. I thought it was bullshit," he bluntly answered.

"Yeah, it does seem kinda silly. I mean, the princesses raise the sun and moon and the pegasi cause the weather. Why would people believe that other stuff?"

"Well Pinkie, it's hard to make billions of people start to think differently after thousands of years of thinking one thing. But you can't just call people stupid or silly because they have a different mindset. I mean, some people just need something to believe in. Why not let them have that?"

"Well yeah. I guess all that matters it that everybody's FRIENDS!" she yelled happily.

"Well, not everybody thinks that way. Some people try to rudely or forcefully push it on others, Now THAT'S when you get to call them idiots. People who say you're stupid because you believe something else, or even a different branch of the same thing. That's ridiculous." He hated people that hated somebody for anything other than their actions. Hating somebody for no good reason counts as an action in that sense, by the way.

"Hm. Your home is weird. Why can't everybody get along like in Equestria?" Innocence. Fuck yeah.

"Lot's of reasons. More than I could tell you within a few hours. I really just want to get to the library and bake myself in my room." Sadly, it seemed it was going to be put off for a while.

Rainbow flew through the air yelling, "STAMPEDE!"

"Oh shit," Victor whined, dashing off to try to save the town. He made it to the bridge before noticing that Twilight and co. minus one were there. And it was about what he expected. Mayor Mare was telling everypony not to panic and Rarity was being horribly overdramatic.

"Now how the hell did you get ahead of me?" He looked to Pinkie. "And Pinkie, is that popcorn?" he asked, seeing it in her hooves.

"Yup!" she said with a mouthful of the puffy goodness. "Want some?"

"… Fuck yes I do." He jammed as much as two hooves and magic could hold into his mouth. Sadly, that was a little too much to chew. But he did it anyway. Because fuck yeah, horse mouths. "I love you, Pinkie," he said, his mouth also full. He looked to see what they were looking at to see (myeh?) Applejack leading a large herd of cattle away from the town. Once she made them all turn away from Ponyville, they immediately stopped. "Assholes." She talked to the cows about steering clear of the town if they got scared again and ran to the top of a random hill. _Okay, can every fucking animal here talk?_ Winona barked. _Guess not._

"Yeehaw!" Applejack yelled, running back to her farm. Doesn't get much more cliché than this…

"Yeehaw! Ride 'em cowpony!" Pinkie yelled, bouncing around.

Mayor Mare was still in partial shock from the stampede. When she snapped out of it she said, "Applejack was just… just…"

"Appletastic!" Pinkie ignored gravity (again) to hang upside down in the air.

"She was pretty great," Victor said. "I mean, she singlehandedly-"

"Exactly!" Mayor Thundercunt McFucklips interrupted. "We must do _something_ to thank Applejack for singlehoofedly saving the town!"

"Fuck you too," Victor mumbled, walking off to smoke weed and hopefully not accidentally burn something down.

"I know," Pinkie said quietly. "A party!" That was the last thing he heard before flying off to the library. Once he got there, he looked for a book about combat magic.

"I will become the Dragonborn!" he said loudly to himself. He then noticed a random brown pony in there that was trying to check out a book. He was now staring at Victor like he was slightly insane. "'Sup?"

"… I'm… checking out a book… Sadly, the librarian isn't here," he told Victor.

"Yeah. She's at a party in the town square or whatever it is."

"You know, you would think it would be easier to remember you have a job when you live in the same building," he said to Victor as he went to put the book back.

"Hey man, I'll just tell her you borrowed it," Victor told him. "What's your name?"

"Doctor Whooves. I guess I never told you, did I?"

"What?" Victor asked, confused. This guy did look kind of familiar though…

"At the party for you when you first came to town." That was it. "I forgot to introduce myself."

"I thought you looked familiar… So, why'd you make Derpy stop getting stoned with me?" he asked.

"The last thing she needs it hallucinations," he answered. Derpy walked in after he said that and picked out a book on muffins. Not a recipe book. A history book. A history book about muffins.

"I fucking love this place," Victor said when he noticed it.

"Oh, Victor, Doctor! Hi! Do you like muffins?" Derpy asked them. "I was gonna make some for me and Dinky! Would you two like some?"

"Oh yeah! Aiz wanz sum moofins!" Victor told her excitedly.

"Silly Victor! That's not how you make words!" she said smiling. She turned to the Doctor. "Would you like some too? I'm making a lot!"

"Um… y-yeah! That'd be great!" he told her nervously. Victor looked at him. He looked back. The Doctor suddenly looked slightly less excited and even more nervous.

_There's something strange here my male mind can't completely figure out._ Victor thought to himself._ Must involve relationships or women._ After a few seconds, he had a minor epiphany. _OH!_ "Yo Doc! You and Derpy go make muffins! I've gotta go to Pinkie's party." The Doctor let out a sigh of relief followed by a grateful look at Victor. Derpy, thankfully, didn't notice.

"Okey Dokey! I'll save you a muffin!" Derpy started to fly out, but almost hit her head on the door. The Doctor stopped her and helped her out.

"You go, Doc," Victor said to himself when they left. He picked out a book about magical force and began reading. It was strangely similar to the force from Star Wars. Well he thought it was. He hadn't seen one of those movies in a long time. He looked up suddenly. "Oh, wait. There's a party I have to go to…" He looked back down and continued reading. But of course, you can't miss a Pinkie party without a good reason.

"Hey silly!" Pinkie yelled, jumping out of the book when he turned the next page. "Whatcha' doin'?"

"… What?"

"I said; Whatcha' doin'?"

"I… was reading… How did you jump out of the-" Victor was interrupted again.

"Not important! What _is_ important is that you're not at my party yet! It's about to start, so we better hurry!"

"I was actually just…" Victor began, trailing off as he noticed Pinkie… jiggling? "What?" She then started bouncing and jiggling at the same time. Victor smiled slightly. "Okay Pinkie. I'll go," he told her. She looked at him, beaming"

"Let's go!" she yelled, grabbing Victor by the hoof and running out.

"… What? How…? Pinkie, you are so weird," Victor told her.

"Yup! But it makes people smile, so I'm happy!" Victor smiled a little wider at that.

_This place is nothing like my world…_ He now wore a full smile as they arrived at the party. Which, turns out, wasn't so much a party as a meeting. Twilight voodooed up some note cards and started reading.

"Welcome everypony! Today we are here to honor a pony we can always count on to help in matters great and small! A pony whose contributions to-" Rainbow flew in and slammed a hoof down on the podium.

"Did you see Applejack's slick moves out there?! What an athlete! This week, she's gonna help me with my new flying trick! And I know it's gonna be _so awesome_!"

"Exactly," Twilight said, pushing her out of the way. She tried to continue, but guess who jumped in front of her? The pink devil herself.

"This week, I get to run Sugarcube Corner for the first time!" Pinkie said happily.

"What does that have to do with Applejack?" Twilight asked. Pinkie looked at her for a moment, blinking.

"Oh! Applejack, one of the best bakers ever, is gonna help me! Applejack makes everything great, so free samples for everypony!" The crowd cheered at that.

"Ehe, okay, that's great," Twilight said, pushing Pinkie out of the way too. "Now if I could just make a point without being inter-"

"Twilight?" Fluttershy interrupted.

"-rupted." She dropped the cards and moved to the side for Fluttershy.

"Twilight, I'm so sorry, but I just wanted to mention that Applejack is also helping me this week with the official bunny census, where we count up all the new baby bunnies that were born this season," she said quietly. So fucking adorable. "She's gonna help gather them using her wonderful herding skills." Twilight just looked at her and she backed away from the podium.

"Anyone else? Anyone? No?" Nobody said anything. "Well then, as I was trying to say,-" She looked to Mayor Mare, who was grinning sheepishly "Ugh! Never mind!" she said, throwing the cards into the air and walking off stage.

"Dra~ama Que~en!" Victor said quietly. Everyone looked at him. Just looked. Not with hostility. Not even indifference. Just looked. "Ahem… Mayor?"

"Yes… Ahem! And so, with no further ado, it is my privilege to give the Prized Pony of Ponyville Award," fucking mouthful, "to our beloved guest of honor, a pony with utmost trustworthyness, reliability, and integrity, Ponyville's most capable and dependable friend, Applejack!" That was a lot of fucking 'ado'. The camera panned- I MEAN EVERYPONY LOOKED TO- the large curtains, which parted to reveal…! Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Applejack wasn't there. Everypony gasped and went silent. Every_pony_. Spike continued cheering. He stopped when he realized what was going on.

"Hehe… Awkward…" he said. They then heard Applejack coming up form behind the crowd.

"Ah'm here!" she yelled. She was carrying apple baskets and dropping apples everywhere, bumping into everyone on her way to the stage.

"Sleep deprivation. It's so obvious," Victor said quietly to the ponies near him, hoping they would make her sleep. But guess what didn't happen.

"Miss Mayor, thank ya kindly for this here a-award, thingy." She walked over to it. "It's so bright and shiny and… hehe… I sure do look funny, heh." She started bobbing back and forth in front of the trophy. "Woo, wooowooo." Pinkie joined her.

"Woo, wooowooowoooooowooo!"

"Okay," Twilight said. "Well, thank you Applejack for saving us from that scary stampede, and always being there for everypony." Applejack yawned.

"Yeah, I like helping the pony folks 'n..." she yawned again, "'n stuff…" She then fell asleep while standing up. Fucking horses. She woke up quickly and shook her head. "Oh, uh, yeah thanks!" she said, dragging the trophy away. When she was gone, Twilight and co., still minus one, plus Victor, gathered around.

"Is it just me, or did Applejack seem a little…" Twilight began.

"Tired?" Rainbow continued.

"Dizzy?" Fluttershy asked.

"Messy?" Rarity… ugh. They all looked at her. "Well, did you _see_ her mane?"

"She seemed fine to me. Wooo! Wooo!" Pinkie said, bouncing around.

"Well, that should make it obvious that something's wrong if nothing else managed to yet, you thick-skulled Equestrians," Victor told them. Twilight got this look on her face. Victor decided he wanted that muffin and started flying to Derpy's.

When he got there, the door was open. Dinky greeted him happily, saying her mother was in the kitchen. She then walked the opposite direction into the living room. Victor noticed her cutie mark was a flute… "Well, wasn't expecting that. Figured it would be bubbles, or a muffin. Whatever." He let himself in and walked to the kitchen. When he looked in, he saw Derpy sitting with the Doctor, crying. Whooves was holding her.

"I barely earn enough to get by… Being a mailmare just doesn't earn enough bits for a single mom. If Dinky's father was still around and working, then maybe I could afford to do more than just put food on our table… but a school band?" She was crying very hard now. "All she wants for herself is to play the flute… Dinky is such a sweet, beautiful foal. She's so selfless and supportive of her mother… She has a gift, and I can't believe how talented my little muffin is… I just wish I could- could…" She burst into a crying fit. Whooves just held her and stroked her mane. Victor decided now wasn't a very good time. He turned to leave, walking out of the kitchen.

"Jeez… I guess there are problems like that everywhere," Victor said to himself, remembering his childhood. His family was in a situation like that for a long time… His little sister wanted so badly to help their parents. She would always do everything she could to cheer their parents up after they came home… Then their dad left… Everything went to shit pretty quickly after that… Then came that damned accident…

"Victor!" Pinkie yelled, coming out of nowhere. "You look so sad, like you're gonna cry. Are you okay?" Victor quickly shook himself, the tears disappearing from his eyes.

"Yeah, Pinkie. I'm fine. Just remembering some things that I thought I'd forgotten a long time ago…" He looked up to see Painted Skies racing Rainbow Dash across the sky. Rainbow seemed to be winning (just barely), but Skies was right there with her. Victor smiled lightly.

"Well, that's good. I'm gonna throw you a party! But it'll just be me, you, Spike, and Skies! There'll be lots 'n lots 'n lots 'n lots 'n lots 'n lots 'n lots 'n lots 'n lots 'n lots 'n lots of weed!" Pinkie was very excited for it. Almost as excited as Victor. He started bouncing like Pinkie always does.

"Really? You mean it?" he asked.

"Yup! Oh, but first I have to run Sugarcube Corner for the day with Applejack. But when I'm done, we're gonna par-tay!"

"Great! I'll be in the library reading, I guess. Just come find me," he told her. However, other people seemed to have other plans for him. As he said goodbye to Pinkie and began walking away, he heard something in a nearby bush. He looked over to see a bunny scamper away. "Huh. Well." He continued walking. After about 5 minutes, he heard something in a thick-leafed tree above him. A flock of crows flew from it into the air. "This is starting to feel really creepy." He hadn't seen a crow since he'd come to this place. It felt irregular for that many to be in that single tree, and for them to fly off right then.

He decided not to go to the library. These felt like bad omens or some shit telling him not to do something, so he opted for a walk on the outskirts of town instead, by the Everfree. As he walked, he noticed a pair of red, predatory eyes staring at him from the treeline of the forest. "Yeah, fuck you too, unreadable omens." He continued walking. Whatever it was sank back into the bush. He saw a small white silhouette dart from it into the forest. He could tell it wasn't a pony. It also obviously wasn't a cockatrice. "What the fuck? What's going on?" he asked himself.

He walked on, leaving the trail to continue walking the outskirts. That may not have been the best idea, but now he was curious as to what this was. At this point, the sun was high in the sky. He was coming up on Applejack's orchard. He heard something running behind him. _Oh fuck._ He started running. Whatever was behind him picked up its pace. He ran faster. Whatever the damn thing was didn't seem to want him to make it (or beat it) to the orchard.

"Fuck… this is the part in horror movies where the guy dies…" he said to himself, running faster. Whatever was behind him stopped. He continued running. Finally, he made it to the orchard. It felt safer, so he slowed down. Finally, he stopped and looked behind him. There was nothing. "Hehe, fuckin' beat it."

He continued walking for about ten feet before he heard a sloshing sound to his left. Kind of like what mud makes when you yank your foot out of it. He then heard something splashing. He looked over to see pure fucking terror looking him in the face.

It was small and white, almost light grey, humanoid. Its eyes were large, circular, and red. On its hands were large claws that it had been using to tear into the flesh of a cow. Blood covered its face, claws, torso, the corpse, and the ground. It was crouching down over the mutilated body. The sloshing sound was made from it pulling its face from the inside of the cow. The blood dripped from its mouth as it bared its teeth at Victor. It seemed to be smiling at him. They continued staring for a short while before the creature suddenly darted away on all fours, back into the Everfree.

"I don't think I'll ever sleep again," Victor said to himself before running off to Applejack's farmhouse. He saw Applejack standing there on a hill, bucking a dead tree. She seemed even more tired than before. "Applejack!" he yelled as he got close. She jumped, looking at him.

"What? What's wrong?" she asked him.

"I saw… I saw…" he tried to say, panting harshly.

"What are you-… Wait… Did you see it too?" She asked him.

"Too? So I'm not going fucking insane? Oh shit…"

"Listen now pardner! Ya' can't tell anypony about it! Okay?"

"What? Why not? Why can't I? That thing needs to be killed!" he said to her. They were trying to be somewhat quiet. Him, in case it was still nearby, and her, in case somepony else was.

"If you tell somepony about it… it stalks you, Victor. It watches you. It goes into your room at night. It watches you from bushes, trees, everything."

"But it was already watching me like that!" he told her anxiously.

"Maybe it's cause your supposedly like it," she said. Victor gave her a look and she quickly fixed her wording. "I mean, like its body! You said your human, and Twilight told all of us about what that is. When I heard, I thought of that thing… But I guess you're not one of those." She looked around. "You have any idea what that thing is?"

"No. None. It's fucked up, though."

"Yeah…"

"APPLEJACK!" Twilight yelled, coming up the hill they were on.

"Let's pretend it doesn't even exist. Got it?" she asked him.

"… Okay."

"Applejack!" Twilight made it up. "Enough is enough! You need help!" Applejack seemed to suddenly return to her tired state at the mention of that.

"Ah don't need no help!" she yelled back, bucking the dead tree.

"Hold the fuck up," Victor said. "First of all, AJ, you came to her the other day and asked her for help. Why not do that now? Why won't you let her help?" He wasn't done with the discussion about that thing, but he would play along.

"Nopony thinks I can do this alone! But I _can_!" she said. "See?" she pointed out to the orchard. It was empty. "I did it! I harvested the entire Sweet Apple Acres orchard all by myself! How do ya like them apples?" she asked them. Big Mac came out of nowhere.

"And how do _you _like _those_ apples?" he asked her, pointing to the other side of the orchard. It was completely full of apples. Applejack did three things. In chronological order, they were:

Widen her eyes

Drop her mouth.

Pass out.

Victor just poked her with a hoof. When that didn't work, he decided to go with the big, sharp stick. "I'm gonna get a big, sharp stick." He stopped when Big Mac gave him a look that said "if you touch my sister, I will break your spine in half," so he stopped. He instead walked up to her and whispered in her ear, "If you don't wake up, I'll kill a small child." It worked.

"Applejack! You need help!" Twilight told her sternly. "You're always there for everypony else whenever they need you, so why can't you set aside your stubborn pride just once for us to help you?"

"… Okay Twilight."

"And I'm not taking no for an ans- what?" She wasn't expecting that.

"Yes Twilight. Please, help. I can't do this alone." Twilight smiled and helped Applejack up.

"You go get some sleep. We'll take care of this," Twilight told her.

"Yeah, I suppose I should help you. You're pretty cool, AJ," Victor complimented.

"Victor, you're so… weird," Twilight said as they walked off to gather their army and battle the evil forces of the apple horde.

"I like your voice, Twilight. It's soothing."

"W-what?" she asked, blushing. "Where did that come from?"

"I dunno. I'm weird, remember?" He started flying beside her. He'd been walking all day and his legs were tired.

"Yeah…" Twilight just kept walking. Victor saw Skies fly by and decided he needed to get her to help. If he had to, everyone else did. He flew after her. Sadly, he had never gone to the JuniorSpeedstersFlightSchool and hadn't practiced flying much, so he fell far behind. She noticed him when she was about a mile ahead and flew back to him.

"Sorry Vic." Vic. His sister called him that… "I didn't notice you. You're slow, ya know?" she said to him, tapping him on the nose.

"Yeah… So, you're going to help me, Twilight, and all of her friends harvest Sweet Apple Acres," he bluntly told her.

"Um… what?"

"You," he pointed to her, "are," he made a gesture that he hoped looked like the word 'are' in some way, "going-"

"Okay, Vic. Shush. Let's go get Dash and Fluttershy," she said, flying toward Rainbow Dash's cloud house. "So, how's your day been?"

"I almost got weed, saw a stampede, went to a party, saw a friend cry, almost cried, almost got weed, got stalked, got chased, got terrified, talked a lot, walked a lot, and now I'm gonna help a friend."

"What a day, right?" Skies randomly turned upside-down, flying that way to Dash's house.

"Yeah…" They arrived at the large cloud castle and knocked on the door. Dash answered, Fluttershy poking her head around the door. "… Why is Fluttershy here with you?"

"Oh, I was just trying to convince her to get a pet," Fluttershy answered for her, smiling.

"Huh. Well, that's convenient," Victor said. "We need you two to come help us with the orchard. AJ exhausted herself trying to do it alone."

"That figures. She's waaay too headstrong," Rainbow said.

"… I'm not even going to mention the irony in you saying that. Let's just get Rarity and Pinkie." The four of them flew off to find the two ponies. Thankfully, Twilight wasn't _that_ much of a lazy-ass and had already gotten Rarity and somehow convinced her to do work.

_How did she do that?_ Rarity isn't lazy, or stuck up, or anything like that, but it's just so hard to picture her willingly doing physical labor. "Well, let's go get Pinkie Pie."

"Why do we need to go get me?" Pinkie asked. "I'm right here."

"Of course you are. Let's just go to the orchard." And so they did. They had it finished in an hour. They could've finished faster, but Twilight decided to only use her magic on one area of the orchard and let everyone else finish the rest. They all gathered around a table that was conveniently placed there at some point and had apple juice.

"Thanks girls. Ah couldn't'a done this on my own," Applejack said to them. "Ah owe you all a lot."

"You don't owe us anything," Twilight said. "We're your friends. We'll always be there to help you. If you ever need anything else, just ask."

"Yeah!" Rainbow jumped in. "You don't have to do everything on your own!"

"You know, we could've done that in seconds if Twilight had just used magic on it all," Victor told them. He got minor glares from AJ, Twilight, and Rarity. Rainbow and Skies nodded, Pinkie Pinkied, and Fluttershy didn't say anything.

"Oh, while we're here, I just wanted to tell everyone that my best friend form JuniorSpeedstersFlightSchool is coming here in a few days!" Rainbow said excitedly. "Her name's Gilda, and she's a griffon. She's really awesome! I can't wait for you guys to meet her!"

"Well Rainbow, if _you_ think she's that great, she must be pretty great," Victor said. "I mean, the only person you ever talk about like that is yourself!" That elicited a look from Rainbow that said "hey, fuck you too."

"Well Rainbow, we really can't wait to meet her!" Twilight said.

"Yeah! She's really great!" Rainbow was more excited than Victor had ever seen her. Like Victor at a Pink Floyd concert.

_Which reminds me…_ "Hey guys, I've got to go," Victor told them, jumping into the air. "I'll be back soon, don't worry," he yelled as he flew to the Everfree. He needed to get back to that bridge…

As he was flying over the forest, some kind of multi-colored bird darted out and tackled him. It nipped one of his wings and slammed into the other. He began to fall, beating the bird in its ugly-ass face. It raked its talons down his flank. Blood poured from the wound, falling with them. Victor lowered his head and stabbed the bird in the neck with his horn. It squawked and pushed away, trying to fly off, but its wings were broken, like Victor's left one. It plummeted to the ground quickly. Victor slightly stabilized his fall and managed to make it to the bridge before he landed.

"Fuck! That shit hurts!" He was bleeding form his right wing, his left flank, and his forehead. He used the minor healing spell he had learned, but that only stopped the bleeding on his head and wing. It made both his wings feel slightly better, so he could probably fly most of the way back. He wasn't leaving without at least looking for what he came for.

When he came here, he had an iPod. He had a solar charger with him. All his stuff was solar powered. He _was_ about as far off the grid as he could get, after all. With the iPod was his old (_really_ old) iHome and some earphones. _I hate Apple, but the iHome and iPod are alright. _He started looking around in bushes and behind rocks for it. Finally, he saw a small bird's nest in a tree above him. There was a pair of earphones hanging from it.

"Yes!" he said, flying up. He found everything in there. He turned on the iPod, hooked up the iHome, and turned on Bad Company by Bad Company. He then tried to fly home quickly, but realized his wing was worse than he thought. He wasn't going anywhere fast. He began slowly flying low over the Everfreee. After about a mile, he realized he could move faster if he ran. So he landed on the forest floor and began to run back to Ponyville. That's when he saw it. That fucking thing from before. "Fuck."

He began to run faster, attempting to outrun the creature. He still didn't know what it was, but he knew it was a predator, and he was as good as prey. He tried to fly while he ran, but his wing buckled, making him stumble. The creature tried to leap on top of him, but Victor fell, making it go over him and land a few yards away. Victor straightened his win gout and tried to fly. He made it a few feet off the ground before he fell. He managed to grab a tree limb with his front legs and got on top of it. He planned to use the stun gun on that demon/Satan/death/thing, but when he looked down, it was nowhere to be found. He dropped from the tree to the ground, looking around. It was gone.

When he made it to the edge of the forest, the sun had set. The first thing he saw was Fluttershy's cabin, and he began walking toward it. He was dizzy from blood loss and still in a small amount of shock. He stumbled along the ground to her cabin, dripping blood along the ground. Some animals stared at him, terrified.

He made it to the door and knocked on it. "Just a second!" he heard from inside. The door opened to reveal Fluttershy. She gasped loudly when she saw Victor standing there, bleeding heavily with one wing now bent at an awkward angle. "Oh my goodness! Come inside right now!" she told him, pushing him inside. "Just a minute, I'll get a needle, some thread, and some bandages! Lay down, don't move, and _stay awake_!" She ran off to gather those things.

"Fuck me. Goddamn bird." At least the tech survived. It was still softly playing. This song was Something to Remind You by Staind.

"I've got everything! Now, this is going to hurt, but I need you to hold still, okay?"

"Got it…" Victor said, preparing to pass out.

"And you can't pass out! I'm sorry, but you have to stay awake."

"Fuck… Alright, let's get this over with…" Victor said. Fluttershy gave him a thick stick and he bit down on it. Fluttershy began to sew the gashes shut.

About twenty minutes later, Victor was stitched up and had a splint on his wing. He had to use all his magic to keep himself from bleeding to death, so he couldn't dull the pain. Fluttershy had left to get Twilight to heal him as much as she could. The only reason they didn't do that in the first place is because moving that far would've killed him. The shock from before had dulled the pain and slowed his blood enough to keep him alive on his trip to Fluttershy's, thankfully. He was laying on a makeshift bed. The floor and couch were covered in blood. All of Fluttershy's animal friends were too afraid to come out. All but Angel.

The little bunny bounced out to Victor as soon as Fluttershy left. He looked him up and down for a moment before offering him a carrot.

"Hey, thanks man," Victor said, eating approximately every single bit of it in one bite. "… Sorry…" Angel just bounced away. "I like that bunny."

After about two minutes, Fluttershy was back with Twilight. "Victor! What happened?!"

"A giant fucking bird," he said bluntly. "Don't worry, I killed the fucker, but that forest is fucked up. The things in there… It doesn't make any sense at all. The thing was like a combination of a fuckton of different birds." Twilight healed him as he said that. She finished a little after he stopped talking. "Thanks, Twilight." He turned to Fluttershy. "And thank you. You two saved my life… Fuckin' bird. Screw the Everfree…"

"Victor, why were you in the Everfree in the first place?" Twilight asked.

"For that," he said, nodding to the iPod that was now playing This is War by Thirty Seconds to Mars. "I love that song."

"So, let me get this straight. You risked your _life_, for a _music box_?" Twilight asked lividly.

"Basically, yeah." Twilight looked like she was ready to do worse than the bird had, and he was honestly more afraid of her than that demon thing.

"Victor…" Twilight seethed.

"Um… Y-yes, Twilight?" he asked, shaking.

"I am willing to give you one chance to give me an acceptable explanation of what happened. You are no to lie. You are not to dodge questions. If you do, you will be _punished_. Do you understand me?"

"Y-yes ma'am…" He told her about how he wanted to get his iPod out of the forest, promising to explain iPods later, and went to go get it, not realizing the danger in the forest. After about an hour of that, leaving out the demon, and another twenty minutes of apologizing, promising never to do it again, involuntary hugging, and trying to make girls stop crying, Victor was taken to the hospital. He was told that he would be in there for the next day. Twilight had fixed most of it with magic.

So, guess who the fuck decided to show up. Three choices: Pinkie, Celestia, the Doctor. Trick question! All of them did. Pinkie gave him cupcakes, Celestia fully healed him and checked him out, once again mentioning the survival of the Alicorn race in a very raunchy, randy manner, and the Doctor hugging him and giving him a pocket watch made of gold with a small gold chain. He then whispered so nobody could hear him.

"If you're ever in danger again, press the button on the watch," he said. They began to walk into town. Then, still quiet, "I need to thank you. You got me so much closer to Derpy. I've always wanted to be with her, even when her deadbeat husband was still around. He didn't deserve someone like her. Tartarus, I don't. But I'll try."

"Hey, if anyone can do it, it's you. And I'm sure you'll make her very happy. Also… I walked in while Derpy was crying earlier…"

"Oh… yeah…" He sighed. "I always try to help her without her noticing. Once, she mentioned that she and Ditzy might have to go without food for a night. I left a basket of muffins at the door… She's always loved muffins, ya know?"

"Yeah, that's a little obvious," Victor said. They both laughed. "Hey, Doc."

"Yeah?"

"You ever need something, give me a call, okay?"

"Yeah, same to you. See you later, Victor."

"See ya." Victor smiled widely and held up his hoof for a bro-hoof. The Doctor met it with just as much enthusiasm before turning and walking home. Victor turned and headed to the library, singing Dr. Feelgood along the way. When he finally made it home, he lit a joint, breathed in deep, and passed straight the fuck out.

ASDF

_Be happy. Be yourself. If others don't like it, let them be. Happiness is a choice. Life isn't about pleasing everybody._


End file.
